Helping Those Who Won’t Help Themselves (a really long vent)

I found myself very frustrated for most of this past weekend.  In both cases, it was because I was trying to help people who wouldn’t help themselves. 

I don’t think that I will have a big philosophical epiphany as a result of these experiences.  Mainly I just want to vent because I am (still) really grumpy over the whole thing.

Friday I did not have to work.  Technically, that means I had the day off.  However, my dad had a routine follow up appointment with his physician.  By the time we finished telling her about his current symptoms, she had prescribed an antibiotic for him and ordered both a chest x-ray and bloodwork.  When all was said and done, I had spent five hours taking him from place to place and I’d put 100 miles on my car.  (My dad lives in a town about 1/2 hour away from me.  His doctor is in my town.) 

I was tired, but I was raised on adages like “A stitch in time saves nine” and “never put off ’til tomorrow what you can do today.”  So, when we were finished with the medical-related errands, I asked my dad if he needed anything from the store.  He said no.  I asked if he was certain.  He said he didn’t think he needed anything at all.  Go on home.  He’ll be fine.  Blah blah blah.

Fine.  I left and went home. 

I called him on Saturday and he still sounded awful (bronchitis and possibly pneumonia; we’ll see what the x-ray shows).  I only talked to him long enough to make sure he was taking the antibiotics.  I also called him again Sunday morning. 

When I spoke to him Sunday he informed me that the only thing he had eaten since I saw him on Friday was a pickle.  This despite the fact that the doctor specifically told him to take the (very strong) antibiotic with food.  I reminded him of that, and his excuse was (a) it said on the label that it could be taken with or without food, and (b) he didn’t have anything to eat anyway.

Excuse me?!?!?!

I reminded him (none too gently, I’m afraid) that I had offered to pick up some groceries for him when I was there on Friday and he had told me at that time that he didn’t need anything.  He said that he wasn’t sure if his milk was good any more.  I told him (as I had on Friday) that if he has a head cold he should avoid dairy products anyway because they tend to thicken the mucous in one’s head.  He pooh-poohed my remards and said that he didn’t know what he needed, he only knew he didn’t have anything that he wanted to eat at home.

Argh!  I said I would come over that afternoon and bring him some food.  He told me not to.  I spent the rest of the day feeling… I don’t know… some sort of weird mixture of furious and guilty.  Not a good feeling at all.

And Saturday had its share of frustration, too, as I met with the female half of a young couple from our church cell group.

The backstory on this couple is that they are very young (she was born when I was in high school, for goodness’ sake!   And oh my word does that make me feel old!).  When they first started atttending our cell group, they were both unemployed.  She was eventually able to find a part time job and he received a gift of $500 from the church to help him pay off tickets so he could renew his license and get a job (which he did). 

As I got to know them, I started to notice things that indicated perhaps they weren’t handling their money very well. I mean, after a period of several months’ unemployment, would you be buying a Wii?  And then a Wii Fit to go with it?  How about cable TV and internet?  Or dinner at Carabbas? 

So, they’re both employed now and started to get back on their feet.  Then one night they announced that they’re expecting a baby.  (My dear husband, bless his heart, blurted out, “Oh no!” when he heard the news.)  Their only child is seven years old so I’m fairly certain that they do know how to use birth control.  I don’t believe that the pregnancy was an accident at all. 

Then one night at our cell group’s game night, she tells me that they have decided to file bankruptcy so they can have a clean slate and start “making grown up decisions.”  I wanted to tell her that the Christian thing to do would be honoring one’s debts and finding a way to pay them off, but I didn’t.

She also told me that night that she wanted to spend $2000 of their tax refund on a new mattress because theirs is over 7 years old.  (Hmm, I think to myself.  I’ve had the same mattress for 14 years!)

So all of these thoughts and events rambled around in my mind every now and then but I tried to convince myself that there was probably something I didn’t know.  There had to be a missing piece of the puzzle, because really, why would someone file bankruptcy while simultaneously buying a $2000 mattress set?  Why would someone intentionally get pregnant when in such dire financial straits?  Why would someone buy a Wii when they can’t even afford to pay their electric bill?

I said nothing to them.  For that matter, I didn’t voice my opinions to anyone.

Not judging, not confronting.  Just listening.

Then at last week’s cell group meeting they announce that they are moving to an apartment.  I recognize the name of the complex… it’s a very nice one.  And as the conversation unfolds, it comes to light that they will be renting a three bedroom apartment, and that the rent at said apartment will be $1000 per month.

Oh my.  I had a really hard time not letting my jaw drop open in have-you-lost-your-mind amazement.

She has a part time job.  She will not be getting paid maternity leave when her baby is born in five months’ time.  Yet they’re renting a three bedroom “luxury apartment” for $1000 a month. 

Of course, she rationalized it.  They need the third bedroom for the baby.  They can afford the rent because this place is supposed to have lower utility bills.  The place they were living was in bad condition.  This is an exciting chance for them to set their priorities straight.  Blah blah blah.

I was so concerned for them that I actually lost sleep over it for the following two or three nights.  So finally I decided that I would talk to her as a friend and express my concern.  I met with her Saturday evening for dessert.  She  was friendly and she listened politely to what I had to say but she wasn’t really receptive to it. 

She defended her decision to move by telling me about how bad her current residence it.  I tried to tell her that I wasn’t questioning her decision to move, only her choice in location.  I warned her that there will be some temptation to go out and get new “stuff” for her new place, and that those purchases will add up quickly. 

I backed up what I told her with Scripture, citing Proverbs 21:20, Luke 12:15, Philippians 4:12, and other verses.

It was fairly obvious that she didn’t really want to hear it.  Eventually, I dropped the subject and we spent another 90 minutes or so just chatting.  In the course of the conversation, she told me that she had seen a magazine ad for a urine test that supposedly predicts what gender your uborn child is.  Naturally, she and her husband went right out and bought it.  For $30.  She is 16 weeks pregnant and will be getting a sonogram in two weeks… at which point they will tell her for sure what gender her baby is. It seems to me that it would have been wiser to keep the $30 and wait the two weeks.

But then, what do I know?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go bang my head against the wall.